As I begin to wrap my head around my return to the States, I am acutely aware of my mental state before I left. I was wound tight, anxious, and having difficulty sleeping. There were no immediate, real dangers in my life, but try telling that to my brain. My troubles were all mental and all revolved around not wanting to do things I had committed to and not speaking my truth. I was in the middle of trying to find my truth amid obligation.
Overall, my life at home is pretty amazing, especially as it pertains to work/life balance. I am able to regularly take time for myself during the workday, whether it be to exercise, sit in silence, or go for a walk; these are luxuries I know many don't have, and I am very grateful for them. However, as I mention in my early posts, I was burnt out and frustrated. On the surface, I was doing everything right: exercising, doing yoga, practicing mindfulness and meditation, and engaging in a lot of fun. But, it didn't work. I was still overcome with anxiety, and my body was waking me up each night (multiple times) with full-body contractions. My body was screaming for help, and I thought I was helping it, but knew deep down I wasn't.
Thankfully, this time away gave me the space to reflect and to identify the areas I knew weren't working for me anymore. I rested...a lot. I developed a really consistent gratitude and reflection process. I listened to my body. I kept exercising, doing yoga, and meditated, and I wrote about everything I was going through and working on with a new friend I had met right before leaving and who also was working through life.
Now, I have to face the reality (and the creeping anxiety) of coming back to "regular" life. Thankfully, I don't have to teach for another five months, but this return to home marks the next phase, which does entail some more work obligations. Am I ready?
Due to my impending return, my most recent research focus has been on teachers and self care. Not surprisingly, there is a lot of research about this topic because teachers--everywhere--are burnt out. In addition to the normal stressors, teachers are also now experiencing the after-effects of COVID, and in fact, teachers "describe their teaching experience as detrimental to their commitment, well-being, and health" (Buttler and Kay p. 44). This is a stunning finding, and I can relate. But I also want to figure out how to combat this. Teaching is my passion; I can't do anything else. It's why I was put on this earth.
As a teacher, taking care of oneself is a complex process and needs to be just as important as lesson planning, dealing with student issues, and grading. Research finds that when teachers not only take care of themselves mentally and physically but also in ways such as finding efficacy in their teaching, mentoring others in the profession, and having supportive and communicative relationships with administration and other teachers, their mental health and resilience benefit (Baker; Schussler). So, I guess it's not enough to just do the bare minimum in this profession; I have to go even deeper.
So what do I do? Well, I think I've started to figure it out: keep taking care of myself physically and mentally, stay hydrated, spend time with myself often and in reflection, speak my truth, appreciate beauty, engage in fun, keep perspective, engage in meaningful relationships with my colleagues, mentor other teachers, rest often and hard, shape my days and weeks with intention, set goals, and enjoy.
I am grateful for my time to discover these things, even if I knew them somewhere deep inside. I guess this is what professional leave and travel can do for someone: they provide the space and time to to dig deep and discover new--or old-truths.
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