The Core (Me): Awareness and Self-Compassion

 

The Core (Me): Awareness 

Life is tricky. Things that you think you've "handled" show up in unimaginable ways. 

For me, the past two years have been stressful. I got asked to join a grant committee to develop classes and a center that revolve around kindness, compassion, and empathy. As the only full-time faculty member, I put a lot of stress of myself and I lost sight of the core of who I am professionally: a teacher. I'm all in if it has to do with teaching and classes, but the other stuff? I could leave it. I once knew this about myself but lost sight of it in the last few years.

Then, I went up for promotion. In preparation, my Chair wanted to observe my classes, which is a reasonable request and not something I stress about. I welcome anyone to come in and observe or learn from me. However, my Chair noticed one thing: my voice was shaky and trembling. This had been happening a lot throughout the semester, and I couldn't figure out why. I had also started to grind my teeth, wake myself up multiple times a night with body clenches/stretches (as if I had pent up energy I needed to release), and had a chronic shoulder pain I could not seem to get rid of.

This grant committee, applying for promotion, and then applying for professional development leave seem to be taking a toll on me. But after taking a trauma and the body workshop this past summer with Bessel van der Kolk (an interesting read if you've never heard about him: https://onbeing.org/programs/bessel-van-der-kolk-trauma-the-body-and-2021/), I've realized all of these things bodily things are showing up because of my past traumas. 

As Bessel said, "trauma takes the path of least resistance," and I truly believe my body was waving a pretty big flag to slow down and tune in. Exercising, eating well, and getting good sleep wasn't (and isn't) enough. I have to heal.

Self-Compassion 

The path to healing starts with self-compassion. And according to Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, being kind to myself and knowing that I am not alone in my human experience is key to this path of healing. I have to acknowledge these aspects of my self, drop any judgements, and then approach my experiences and life with mindful awareness. 

I call myself a recovering perfectionist. According to van der Kolk, perfectionism is an attempt for control. But it's the wrong type of control. It's an exterior false sense of control, when what actually needs to be controlled (or more lovingly acknowledged) is my feelings of safety in my body and brain. I need to reprogram my brain so that it knows I am okay and that I am right here, right now. 

So this path is one I'm embarking on this year. I'm taking a physical break from teaching and daily demands, and I'm hoping to heal. This process isn't passive, though. I have to be actively involved. I have to move and dance and journal and write and (hopefully) dream and share. 

If you have resonated with any of this post, I encourage you to read van der Kolk's book or read more about self-compassion or just ask me a question. I'm just one human on this long path of trying to be a good one.