The Core (Me): Awareness and Self-Compassion

 

The Core (Me): Awareness 

Life is tricky. Things that you think you've "handled" show up in unimaginable ways. 

For me, the past two years have been stressful. I got asked to join a grant committee to develop classes and a center that revolve around kindness, compassion, and empathy. As the only full-time faculty member, I put a lot of stress of myself and I lost sight of the core of who I am professionally: a teacher. I'm all in if it has to do with teaching and classes, but the other stuff? I could leave it. I once knew this about myself but lost sight of it in the last few years.

Then, I went up for promotion. In preparation, my Chair wanted to observe my classes, which is a reasonable request and not something I stress about. I welcome anyone to come in and observe or learn from me. However, my Chair noticed one thing: my voice was shaky and trembling. This had been happening a lot throughout the semester, and I couldn't figure out why. I had also started to grind my teeth, wake myself up multiple times a night with body clenches/stretches (as if I had pent up energy I needed to release), and had a chronic shoulder pain I could not seem to get rid of.

This grant committee, applying for promotion, and then applying for professional development leave seem to be taking a toll on me. But after taking a trauma and the body workshop this past summer with Bessel van der Kolk (an interesting read if you've never heard about him: https://onbeing.org/programs/bessel-van-der-kolk-trauma-the-body-and-2021/), I've realized all of these things bodily things are showing up because of my past traumas. 

As Bessel said, "trauma takes the path of least resistance," and I truly believe my body was waving a pretty big flag to slow down and tune in. Exercising, eating well, and getting good sleep wasn't (and isn't) enough. I have to heal.

Self-Compassion 

The path to healing starts with self-compassion. And according to Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, being kind to myself and knowing that I am not alone in my human experience is key to this path of healing. I have to acknowledge these aspects of my self, drop any judgements, and then approach my experiences and life with mindful awareness. 

I call myself a recovering perfectionist. According to van der Kolk, perfectionism is an attempt for control. But it's the wrong type of control. It's an exterior false sense of control, when what actually needs to be controlled (or more lovingly acknowledged) is my feelings of safety in my body and brain. I need to reprogram my brain so that it knows I am okay and that I am right here, right now. 

So this path is one I'm embarking on this year. I'm taking a physical break from teaching and daily demands, and I'm hoping to heal. This process isn't passive, though. I have to be actively involved. I have to move and dance and journal and write and (hopefully) dream and share. 

If you have resonated with any of this post, I encourage you to read van der Kolk's book or read more about self-compassion or just ask me a question. I'm just one human on this long path of trying to be a good one. 

Welcome to this Blog

 

This Blog, This Year

Welcome to this blog, a place where I will tell stories of kindness, compassion, and empathy as I travel around the world. These chronicles will come in the form of personal reflections, interviews, and observations. 

My purpose and hope for this blog is to support a statement I say all the time while teaching: "90% of people in this world are good." I truly believe this. My experience with traveling to almost 30 countries (currently at 29--Senegal in 19 days will be the big 3-0), is that the majority of people want to feel a sense of purpose and happiness in their lives and to take care of their loved ones. 

Are there "opportunists"? Absolutely. When people are desperate, how can we blame them for taking advantage of an easy win? I know that if I couldn't feed my child, sleep in a home, or make a decent living, I would do what I needed to do to survive. There is also the media and the dark web and all the people within who have lost sight of the goodness in the world. Yes, there are extremists (in all countries, including our own--let's not forget we're one of the top countries to actually be a victim of gun violence), but that's a select few. The rest are just trying to live their human lives as best as they can.

So, as part of my year of professional development leave and the research project I am doing to deepen my scholarship, understanding, and practice of kindness, compassion, and empathy, I hope to relay this message of goodness. I hope to also teach you a bit about these concepts. I hope, for myself, to create a clearer "lens," per se, of gratitude and perspective. And I also hope to discover myself a bit more through the medium of writing.

Thank you for following along. Thank you, FGCU Roots of Compassion and Kindness Center (ROCK), for your support, patience, and encouragement. Thank you FGCU Lucas Center for your eagerness to purchase interviewing equipment and for your constant dedication to all things good and wholesome in the teaching realm. Thank you to FGCU's College of Arts and Sciences and the Department of Language and Literature for approving this professional development leave--I promise to come back a better teacher as a result of this. Thank you to my many colleagues and friends who gave me advice and tips on how to tackle this. And, thank you to my husband and son. Conan, you have the biggest heart of anyone I know and show me how to be the best, boldest version of myself through your own interactions in the world. Sila, your constant inquiries and empathetic heart let me know that you are the ripple effect of all that I do.